"Modern" Parenting

I try very hard not act when I am angry. I also try to avoid stirring up controversy and above all not to judge others (especially moms!) in their personal journeys. I truly believe that power is in the positive. For that reason, when I first clicked on this article from my Facebook feed, I closed the window after scanning only the first few sentences. I knew the content would upset me and I tried very hard just to virtually "walk away..." But as I continued browsing, checking e-mail, and generally trying to relax, the title of the blog in question would not leave my brain: Why My Kids are Not the Center of My World. So I went back and read the blog post. Twice. Then I wrote an extremely irate Facebook status update. When I realized I was rambling angrily and probably not at all proving my point, I knew it was time for a longer post.

I am not going to tackle this woman's blog post piece by piece. Don't get me wrong, I could... But it would be a very angry, very negative post that would completely ignore my theory of power through positivity. I will, however, summarize her basic thesis - if only to save some of you the pain of having to wade through the negativity there:

Stephanie Metz, a mom from North Dakota, believes that she is doing her children a favor by not making them the center of her - or anyone else's - world. She explains that her boys love to do boy things like wrestle and play with guns as has been the habit of boys "since the beginning of time." She then laments that in today's society she has to worry over whether those actions will get them into trouble at school because we will not let "boys be boys" any longer. Ms. Metz goes on to discuss how bullying used to be defined as slamming someone against a locker and stealing their lunch money, but now we label anyone who calls someone a name a "bully." She illustrates this with a colorful example about how when Sally calls Susie a "bitch," Susie is entitled to a world wide pity party and Sally should be jailed for "acting like a teenage girl."

I am going to stop there for a minute because already my blood pressure is rising... First of all, my boys have no idea what the phrase "boys will be boys" means. They do not wrestle or rough-house any more than most of the girls they socialize with. They do not own toy guns but have never picked up sticks or used their hands to shoot the way Ms. Metz claims is somehow encoded in their DNA... More importantly, I taught jr. high girls for eight years and I can say without a second's hesitation that just because someone is a teenage girl does NOT mean that she will flippantly call another nasty names. Can teenage girls be catty? Absolutely. But so can middle-aged soccer moms. Maybe if someone had taken the time to teach them a little respect and conflict resolution when they were teenagers, we would have a more respectful crop of grown women wandering our playgrounds today. Justifying a disrespectful, cruel, hurtful behavior by assigning it to a developmental phase is like saying I should put my eighteen month old down in a crowd of toddlers and let him push, hit, and bite his way to the toy he wants. NOTHING excuses behavior meant to harm others. If Ms. Metz or anyone else needs more of an explanation, I would point her towards one of the many nationwide studies on how bullying and emotional trauma affects the learning environment. In fact here is a good place to start.

Now, back to the summary of Ms. Metz's post:
It is suggested that society's changing attitudes (such as those towards traditional "boy" play and bullying) are creating a society in which all children feel entitled to complete happiness all the time. This is when she throws "modern" parenting into the mix suggesting that parents who "drop everything" to sit and play with a child who "needs attention" are adding to this sense of entitlement. Ms. Metz feels that this is creating a generation of young adults who will be unable to function in society. She offers examples of a college student failing a paper and melting down because no one has ever made her feel sad, a young marketing executive having an idea shot down and crying over the rejection or quitting his job, and an adult upset over not having someone to cater to his every whim. Then, Ms. Metz provides a long series of examples of how she will prevent her children from this sort of handicap with her personal parenting practices (including sending her children to play together in their room after allotted tv time because though she "misses them" she is "not just a mom").

First of all, I'm not sure how boys playing with guns plays into this at all, but let's roll with it anyway... And none of us are "just a mom" but that's a discussion for another day... Honestly, these arguments are the same ones you hear from anyone pushing early toilet training, sleep training, or generally any child "training" at all... "They have to learn sometime!" "Are you going to let him go to kindergarten/camp/college in diapers/breastfeeding/with a pacifier/in your bed?" In this case Ms. Metz seems focused on parental attention vs. independence and emotional as well as physical self-sufficiency. Regardless, my response is the same: They will do it when they are ready. And they will be ready eventually because little humans are AMAZING! Years of research into human development all points to the same thing: When you foster a sense of safety, security, and respect, children will take those steps (even the scary ones) on their own as they become developmentally ready for them. Why? Because they know they have a safe place to land.

Now, I will be the first to admit that sometimes waiting for that developmental readiness is HARD. I would give just about anything right now if my littlest would just be ready to sleep through the night... or even half the night! A third? But it's not happening. I am very much developmentally ready for more sleep. But after trying a few gentle techniques to encourage it, I've come to the conclusion that he just isn't. Now, I know that Ms. Metz and probably many many others could regale you with reasons why I should force the change... let him cry it out and "learn to self soothe"... but they don't know my child. They don't know that he spent six months screaming or sleeping 95% of the time because he was fighting allergies we didn't understand. They don't know that in those same six months he wore casts and braces on his tiny baby legs making him even more uncomfortable and unable to soothe. They don't know that during the day he is the spunkiest, most independent toddler around: fearless and unfazed by anything...I do. So when he insists at night that he really needs Mommy... I believe him. He won't need me forever. He will eventually sleep and do so further and further from my side. His basic instincts will drive him to become more and more independent at night as well as during the day, just like his big brother who spent 15 months nursing to sleep but now begs for sleepovers away from his parents. However, right now, by not ignoring his perceived needs, I am teaching him that I am always going to be around to listen, to comfort, and to do what I can to make it better.

The idea that attachment parenting or other "modern" parenting is creating non-functional adults is simply ridiculous. Believe me, my kids understand what being sad is like. They know what it means to not get their own way and even to fail at something. No parenting style in the world could protect kids from those realities of the world. Nor should it. Furthermore, my kids know that they make mistakes and that I don't always agree with the choices they make. However, they also know that, regardless, they have people behind them. People who will love them and be proud of them no matter what. This doesn't mean we agree all the time or that things have to be "all rainbow colored unicorns" as Ms. Metz puts it. It means that, unlike Ms. Metz, at the end of the day my kids are absolutely the center of my universe. They are the most important thing in the world to me and there is nothing on earth that could change that... and I make damn sure they know it.

I was amazingly, incredibly, unbelievably lucky enough to grow up with a mother who made sure that I knew two things without a shadow of a doubt: 1. She LOVED me. Completely and Unconditionally. 2. She was PROUD of me. Not because of anything I did or didn't do but because of who I was. Like anyone else, I have had moments where I felt like Ms. Metz's Susie - in need of a world wide pity party - and in those moments, I did not get up and move on because I was taught to "brush it off" as Ms. Metz suggests... I got up and moved on because I knew that 1. People LOVED me and 2. People were PROUD of ME.  It was my safe haven. My rock that let me know that I would always be important, loved, and valued. There is no doubt in my mind that I, along with my brother and my kids, are the center of my mother's universe. And guess what Ms. Metz? I am a fully functioning productive member of society. I was a little late going to sleepover parties, I'll admit. I didn't go to summer camp until I was 16 because being away from home simply wasn't appealing. But I went away to college, graduated (early!), immediately got a job, financed my own master's degree, and eventually moved 1,700 miles from home. I have never thrown a fit or expected my mother to fix a failed grade, a rejected proposal, or anything else. What I do expect is that if I get busy and forget to call, she will. She will also come visit as often as she can, send my kids postcards and Halloween goody bags, and drop everything if I really need her to. But because I am a fully functioning adult - not a preschooler - I don't need that very often.

I'm sure Ms. Metz is trying to do what's best for her family. I really am. I doubt she had the wonderful childhood I did or the amazing adult relationship with her mother that I have with mine. She may never have enjoyed a safe spot to land and for that I feel sorry for her. What I resent, however, is her telling me that I am somehow creating problems for the society of tomorrow because I choose to gift my children with my time, attention, and unconditional love.

I could write more on this... I could tell Ms. Metz how in eight years in a public school, I never had a discipline problem with a child of a parent who was too involved or too loving. I could pull research that in fact shows the opposite - children without involved parents are far more likely to be in trouble in and out of school, not to mention read later, have more relationship problems, and score lower on those almighty standardized tests... but I won't. Because ultimately, I think good parenting for most of us isn't about standards or numbers or studies. It's about instinct. It's the adrenaline that rushes in when our child screams and the smile that comes unbidden to our face when he laughs. My instincts tell me that a baby who cries needs a parent's comfort... and that a teenager called names probably needs and deserves it too.

My apologies for the weighty post - this blog will go back to homeschool fun and cute pictures tomorrow, I promise. For now, this angry mama bear is going to snuggle her cubs who will ALWAYS know that they are the center of her world.