I have wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember. I grew up with pretty much the most amazing mom on the planet and I have always been certain that I wanted to follow in her footsteps. For many years, I assumed that would mean being a stay at home mom as well. When Munchkin was born, however, there was no way that was in the cards financially, so I went back to work when he was just 5 weeks old. By the time I could have considered staying home, I was used to the chaos, craziness, and cash that came with being a working mom.
That's not to say that I put any less energy into parenting. I have always been the mom who ran the playgroup, threw the parties, and hosted the playdates. We did Gymboree on the weekends and Kindermusik in the evenings because I was determined that Munchkin not miss out because I was working. I refused to put either child in day care, and was lucky enough to have the extended family to make that happen. It did however mean that every week was a puzzle of who was going where and being picked up when by who.... It was exhausting.
As much as I regret working so much during Munchkin's early years, I am proud to say that I don't think either of my kids has missed out on anything because of my job. They have been cared for by warm, loving family and friends. They have social groups they enjoy. They've been to Disney World, Disney Land, the beach, waterparks, and more. Of course, I am also one of those Pinterest moms... you know, a new project or sensory play material every week? Glow play, gloop making, sidewalk painting... we've done it all, though not as frequently as I would like.
I'm also generally pleased by most of our larger parenting choices. Breastfeeding, baby-wearing, and co-sleeping all felt natural to us and played a large role in keeping our boys bonded and attached despite my chaotic work schedule. Of course, this also meant that I began to fall into that crazy "crunchy" mama group... the ones who buy only organics at the farmers market, debate vaccines for hours, and think breastmilk is the solution to all childhood ailments? Yep. That's me. Don't judge. I never thought I'd be here either. Being a working crunchy mom made me something of an anomaly... but it also meant that I had the most incredible cheering section when I made the crazy decision to walk away from the job I loved.
So... Where do I go from here if I have all this parenting stuff figured out, right? WRONG. Somewhere in the chaos and business that became our life, I never figured out how to enjoy the little things. Sitting on the floor playing makes me anxious. Reading stacks of books, my head is always somewhere else. I am always half convinced that there is something
more and
better we should be doing when the reality is that those little moments are what my boys need more than anything. I want to slow down. To be silly. To not be too busy to sit and snuggle and read. To play in cardboard rocket ships. To walk to the park. To paint without worrying about the mess we are creating. To lie on the floor pushing cars and trains around. To just be with my kids.
So I am trying hard to be a more present parent... starting now since the kids are climbing on top of me while I insist on finishing a blog post... Perhaps I can go upstairs to play without toting my phone or laptop with me. Maybe it's okay to leave an e-mail unanswered or miss the occasional facebook alert. Maybe motherhood is not a checklist of epic experiences to be photographed and preserved, but rather a constant series of little moments to be quietly shared with the ones who matter most. I'd like to find out. :-)
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