A New Path

I'm not the star they say I am,
Just one more pathetic sham.
I'll never make it.
How can I expect to hold this pose?
Mother, writer, wife, or friend:
where does one begin or end?

O God I feel like such a fraud,
like every inch of me is flawed,
but still I smile while they applaud.
My life has gotten so complicated:
so underwhelming and overrated.
I can feel the heat but I still can't see the light. 

- "Worst Day of My Life" (Wonderland, Jack Murphy)

When I was 37 weeks pregnant with my second son, my scheduled OB visit ended with me being sent directly over to the hospital for emergency testing and observation. My blood pressure was high (as usual) and routine tests had my doctor concerned that I might be showing signs of preeclampsia. I should have been panicked, worrying about my own health and the well-being of my sweet baby boy, but I do not remember feeling frightened at all. What I felt was ticked. The show I was directing was due to be performed in just two days at our district one act play festival. It was my first year as head of our theatre department and I was determined that the show be perfect.  A trip to the hospital meant I would miss, at the very least, our last school-based rehearsal. I was on the phone with my assistant director before my OB had even come back with admission orders. When I was sent home from the hospital later in the afternoon (I did not have preeclampsia after all), I went straight to school and remained there until past 8:00, finishing last minute details and writing up instructions for every detail of every remaining moment of rehearsal and performance. I was "nesting," but instead of being at home preparing my family for our new arrival, I was desperately trying to prepare my students and colleagues for my absence. When my water broke later the same night, my first thoughts were about the site-based tech rehearsal I would have to miss. I spent the majority of my labor on the phone or e-mailing to make sure that life in the theatre department was proceeding as smoothly as possible. I want to say that I also called frequently to check on my older son, home with relatives, but honestly I don't remember whether I did or not. 

It took four months away (six weeks of maternity leave backed up to summer vacation) for me to realize that there had been something "off" about my priorities during my labor and probably for many months preceding it.  It took another six months for me to gather the courage to do something about it. Then, within the span of a month, we decided not to send my youngest to mother's day out, pulled my oldest out of his pricey Montessori school, .... and I quit my job. I turned in my resignation, marched down to my best friend's classroom and pronounced "I'm done." Of course, at that point I still had several months of school to muddle through before I could truly be "done," but she saw the difference immediately and swears that was the moment I began the journey from micro-managing dictatorial director to "crazy hippie chick." 

I've always been an over-acheiver. I was a straight-A student, graduated (early) in the top 5% of my high school class, then finished an honors undergraduate program in three years with a 3.95 GPA. I easily got a teaching job in the district I grew up in and within two years was teaching at my first choice of intermediate schools. When this didn't bring me satisfaction, I went back to graduate school and fumed over the two A minuses that brought my GPA down to a 3.97 instead of the perfect 4.0 I wanted. By the time I graduated with my MA (6 months pregnant with my second son), I was head of my theatre department, serving on numerous committees and sponsoring a large handful of student activities and organizations. I frequently worked ten hour days, often six days a week. I loved my job and I was extremely good at it...

But here's the thing no one ever tells type-A wonderkids like me: It's never enough. You push and stress and strive towards whatever goal is obsessing you at the moment, celebrate when you finally reach the finish line, and then turn around and start a new race. There is always a bigger project to tackle, a new title to reach for, another competition to dominate. You can always find a way to be just that litle bit better. It never ends. I am the first to admit that the challenge is exciting... and consuming. 

I loved my job... but at the end of the day, I love my family more. The problem was that when I took a step back and examined where my time and energy were going, it was definitely not my family that was receiving the best and biggest parts of me. In recent months I have resolved to change that, branching out and attempting to chart a new course for my life and that of my family.

This blog was conceived to help me document our family's changing dynamic as we attempt to shift our priorities and change our fast-paced, often materialistic lifestyle. I welcome my family and friends as well as any others who happen to stumble by to stay tuned for lots of news, photos, and ramblings from yours truly.